we were discharged this afternoon and had to be out by 7pm. as we were leaving our room and heading up to see the babies to tuck them in for the night, we were stopped by the doctor on call (doctor Russo). both of our babies had bleeding on the brain. Hadlee’s was a stage 4 (the worst) and Brodee went from a stage 2 to a stage 4 hemorrhage. the doctor told us not to go far because things did not look good for Brodee bug. my heart has never felt so heavy. all I could was cry. i was begging God to save him and to keep Hadlee safe. those were our babies, our innocent little babies, why? I didn’t understand. we were up all night, waiting. we were given a sleep room that was on the hall next to the NICU, I went to lay down for a little while.
I was alone in this room with my brain that was running at 100 mph. I was crying, praying, begging God not to take my babies away. asking him to please heal them. Ive never felt so helpless and sick in my entire life.
it was finally morning and we had to talk to the new doctor on the floor, dr. rentz. he gave us the most devastating news I’ve ever received in my entire life. he told us that he did not think Brodee would make it through the day and that we need to make some decisions about his care. my heart just broke, I couldn’t even breath. the room was closing in on me and I felt completely helpless.
we had to make really hard decisions as parents, dr. rentz suggested that we sign a DNR because if they had to preform CPR on him that it would hurt him even more and that it probably wouldn’t work anyway. they took Levi and I to a room in the back and gave us some space to be able to talk about the decisions, and we need to decide within the next 20 or so minutes. it was the hardest conversation Levi and I had to have as a couple and now brand new parents. we both just held each other crying. we prayed, asking God to save our precious baby boy and to keep our baby girl stable. we didn’t understand. I wish I could say that I didn’t get angry but I did. I was so mad, I was mad at God. I didn’t know what we had done to deserve this. why our babies had to go through this. I was questioning Him, questioning His purpose, questioning why He did this to us. all I felt was pain.
after we made our decision to sign the DNR and made some other decisions the rest of the day was blur. I felt so weak, I felt like a failure. I sat in the room in silence for hours. just waiting, waiting on something. I kept praying, our families were praying, we had prayer warriors across the country praying. I know when people looked at me that they didn’t see me, they saw emptiness.
again, I have to praise my husband. although, he was dealing with the same things I was and he was feeling the same emotions I was, he pulled it together to ask questions and to be my steady ground. we kept praying, holding on to our faith. our God is a good God, we held onto that. we knew He could heal them and that was what we kept praying for.
xo.
Jesus, Twins, & Coffee. 